The Ants will march anyway.

        The very first sensation I consciously experience every morning is blood beating in my eardrums. When I was young, I was convinced that the rhythmic pulsing was an army of ants marching across my pillow and into my ear canals, circling inside my skull. I pictured the ants so often and in such detail that the scene seems more like a memory rather than childhood imagination. I have never really relied on morning alarms because I somehow manage to wake up before it goes off every time without fail, no matter how many hours of sleep I get or what time I set it at. Once awake, I lie and wait for it to ring while The Ants march their infinite circuit. It's not even an enjoyable time of rest... aside from the fucking laser beam formed by the gap in my blinds which fires directly into my eyes no matter how I position my face, the anticipation of waiting for the alarm to sound and the day having to begin leaves me restless and annoyed to have woken up at all. 

        In my eyes, the romance in waiting comes in two ways, although often times one Wait contains the effects of both-- 

slow and miserable, 

or 

soft and quiet.

There's romance in waiting for the wrong person to love you back, for a veggie garden you sowed and reaped no veggies, for an apology or a text back, for a sign or reason to get up in the morning, because the misery means you care. But of course you still feel the unbearable weight of wasting time, because 

time is so precious, and you use it to do nothing, to wait,

while your friend ties their shoe and your lover boils some water and your dog sniffs the grass and you stand first in line and your mother adjusts the seat because dad drove the car earlier and a child reads out a word incorrectly again and again and an old man navigates toward at the train doors because waiting is romantic.

        The way you value your Waits is the way you value yourself is the way you value the people you love and the people you don't. This is not a new idea but one I need constant reminding of nonetheless. The Ants will march anyway. The Ants will march anyway.

phantom watch

My watch finally broke today... one side of the strap snapped clean off so i just tore the other side off too since it was barely clinging on anyway. I was not initially overcome with sadness or disappointment because it had been threatening to snap for some time and I knew it could break any day. The grief came later, every time I instinctively checked my naked wrist, as I was expecting it to be there because it always was. Although it is almost June, there is still a slight tan line on my wrist from summer. At the supermarket I bought a bag of bagels and was surprised to find the watch missing despite making the same mistake over and over again all day. I pulled out my phone instead. 24th. I have six days to eat these bagels.

No Regrats.

 Kinda forgot about Blog until i saw Laurence start his new one so i thought i'd say some stuff. hi Laurence if you are reading this. I am enjoying your posts so far and excited to see you continue to write. 

  anyway I am currently on the train to London from a small English village called Deanscales, where Sessel's mum's cousin (?) had us stay. I'd put a pic of the beautiful countryside but i havent taken them off my camera yet so you'll have to close your eyes and imagine. Sarah & Rick-and-dogs were so incredibly hospitable and kind so us during our two night stay at their old farmhouse. We stayed for free in a separate cottage where they usually have holiday-ers pay to stay. We had two actual home cooked meals for the first time in a few weeks, including home grown veggies, local lamb and pheasant, and homemade parsnip wine. 

 I'm listening to Bladee on my mp3. I downloaded 333 and Crest. My favourite songs off both albums are:

333: 100s, Mean Girls, Valerie

Crest: 5 Star Crest (4 Vattenrum), White Meadow, Desire is a Trap 

 Not sure why it took me so damn long to hop onto Bladee cuz this Awesome yay. make me want to get up and dance. 

I'm admittedly a little bit Sick o_O My throat started hurting near the end of our stay in Edinburgh and i told myself it was because of how much i'd been smoking but in the back of my mind i knew that that morning i left the hostel with wet hair. have been ignoring it and keeping warm and drinking lots of water but my sinuses are Clogged and my ears are kinda blocked... le sigh. think it's one of those things you just have to ride out so ride it out i will. i will not let it fuck up our trip! 

 In terms of day to day activities across all countries in the itinerary, Sessel and I made next to no plans. our approach has been to show up and ask anyone we can for suggestions; convenience store workers, hostel stayers, people we meet randomly, bartenders, etc. So far it has seemed to work out pretty well and i believe we will continue to employ this strat in London and finally in Amsterdam. For this being both of our first trips overseas by ourselves, i think Sessel and i have been quite resilient with fuck ups and problems we've encountered, which there haven't been many of, God Bless. 

i've been spending exuberant amounts of money on this trip. Lots on gifts for people, of course, which is taking up quite a lot of suitcase space that may compromise any future purchases. also doesn't help that everything out here is double the price in AUD. That being said i am very happy with all the gift and personal purchases i've made. No Regrats. As i said i'm having a lot of fun out here but I'm getting quite tired and dare i say homesick. I miss my dog. and my PC. and i miss my friends a lot. I miss home. It's a strange and new and exciting time of my life and i don't feel prepared for it but i know it will go on even if I'm not ready. 

Our train will pull into the station any minute now. 

Thank you for reading i will speak again soon!  

Last Minute Family/Shower Thoughts/Hunger&Love

It has been a while... i've been so busy post-uni-semester and haven't really found the time to actually sit down and think.

It is Christmas Eve. 

We did not decorate the tree this year.

Tree sat in garage for three weeks and was only put up two days ago.

Yesterday each member of my family confided in me their lack of gift preparation.

Like last year, I said "we really need to start preparing several months in advance."

i love you and you and you and you

        last tuesday i spent my four hour gap between my two classes aimlessly wandering around the city listening to neutral milk hotel. i'll link it here if you want to listen, https://youtube.com/playlist?list=OLAK5uy_nOx8AXAeiL92BmZv5ss13uKbkWGRXs79E&si=vwyBk-qcikQRZJi3 

i was thinking a lot about the recent anti-immigration protests--nazi rallies, let's call them what they are--and felt incredibly overwhelmed with. red. and blue and green. mixed together into an awful Mud. i already knew i was going to blog about it but to be honest i have been at a loss for words and a week later i still don't know how to express anything that i'm thinking and feeling. i write and i delete and write and delete and delete delete and stare at blank screen and cry and wipe my tears and feel my pulse and decide to let images speak for themselves. 

 

Valueable Update

        I am in State Library and my laptop is on 32% because I did not charge it over the weekend. I have been conserving the battery very unwisely (watching It's Always Sunny season 17). I could probably ask if they have a charger for me but for some reason the thought of asking is bringing me great nervousness. Today must be Excursion day because every 10 minutes or so, a large group of school children barrel through the Create Quarter where I am sat. Amber and I spontaneously met for brunch which became lunch after the wind had its way with us up and down Elizabeth street before deciding on Japanese. I think I ate too quickly/much because my tummy hurts. 

        Tuesdays are long but today is particularly drawn-out due to an even earlier wake up time to account for replacement busses and a group study meet at 4:30, followed by more replacements on the way home. Luckily for me, Sessel stayed the night and gave me a lift to Caulfield, and I'll probably miss the after-work-rush on the way home meaning I'll get a seat on both the train and the bus. 

        I am still figuring out what the best way to spend the four hours between my two classes is. I know the correct answer is studying, whether that be catching up or pre-reading or whatever, but I don't want it to be. I have decided to keep my camera in my bag again to take more every-day-pictures but it's kind of embarrassing to pull out my stupid little digital in public by myself. I know will get over this once I start.

        I don't really have anything valuable to say today but I want to talk.

        I don't want to talk/think about sad things all the time so I think it is valuable to talk about normal things even if it feels pointless. 

         My tummy doesn't hurt anymore. I am going to go outside.

 

BAITBALL.

i close my eyes and hold my arms against the box like a prayer

He screams back at me like an answer.

i feel out of place but i am not scared when my eyes are closed.

he is stirring the water and the movement agitates the sand until the sand is the movement, 

flowing and spiralling and leading and bruising and swirling and falling and picking up again,

a beautiful unspoken acknowledgement of camaraderie through strangers’ eyes in the light pushing and pulling strangers’ bodies in the dark and

i am wrapped up and whole! i want to feel like this forever!

how can it be that everything is in its right place even with no calculations?

they continue to push and pull like the answer.

when it comes to an end, the sand settles to the bottom again and he settles too.

i want to know what he is thinking.

he is on his hands and knees with his head down in silence, 

like a prayer,

and like an answer we scream back to him