It has been a while... i've been so busy post-uni-semester and haven't really found the time to actually sit down and think.
It is Christmas Eve.
We did not decorate the tree this year.
Tree sat in garage for three weeks and was only put up two days ago.
Yesterday each member of my family confided in me their lack of gift preparation.
Like last year, I said "we really need to start preparing several months in advance."
In the shower this morning I was recalling the bravery of this church camp leader in his mid-20s, who opened up about his porn/jerkin' addiction to like 60 thirteen to sixteen year olds and how God saved him from this sin. It was years ago now but scientists talk about his courage to this day. And I thought about the insane pantomime service my pastor is about to run this evening, and I thought about how much I dislike religion, but also how much I understand its significance, and How different I and my life would be had I not been a part of any of it at all, and I thought about how much pain It brought, yet wisdom and perspective too.
And now I'm standing under the water feeling bittersweet. And it's just over one week until 2026. And I'm trying to reflect but I can't remember what happened this year. I also have to write my annual letter to myself. This will be the 8th year of this tradition. I think I will type it. No time. Too busy. This will be a big and important one. I remember that almost every year I have asked my 2035 self if I have been diagnosed with ASD and finally I can lay this question to rest. Lawl.
Today, on Christmas Eve, I think about the people I have grown closer with this year and how much I love them and want to know everything about them. I also think about my beautiful and closest friends; Sessel, whom with I leave for the UK in three weeks, Skrunkly, who I miss so dearly and cannot wait for her return from abroad, Amber, who invites me on her annual family camping trip and is so good to me, and really the list goes on but we'd be here for ever, truly. I am so grateful. And so lucky. And so, so hungry. So hungry. Need lunch. I think I am OK. Feeling hopeful, excited, and loved. They who is going to be Ok.
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