Last month, my mother was out of state for work. She returned a few weeks after my birthday. I was out when she came home, and then she was out when I came home, but had left in my room a paper bag with some birthday gifts which she had bought while away: snoopy socks, "the little prince" enamel pin, a sewing book. And a small birthday card that had not been opened. i later expressed my thanks for the gifts. we did not hug.
I have been thinking about the card for a month. i am not a unique victim to the clash of anger and empathy for one’s mother. She mothered me and i know her— she believes that Sacrifice is the ultimate expression of love. i know that she knew that whatever generic short message she could conjure up would be a waste of a card, and that i could use it better for someone else, and this is why she gave me a still-sealed card for my birthday. sacrificing my birthday card will be beneficial in the future. i want a blank card to use for someone else more than i want words from my mother. i know this because i understand how she thinks and operates (and this is how Her mother thinks and operates). this knowledge does not make it hurt any less. in fact, the worst part of it is that (and this is the small voice in my head speaking now) her logic is kind of correct; i probably Would make “better” use of the card. and maybe this suggests that I am completely projecting. or maybe i have spent enough time with (and without) her to understand her and maybe shes spent enough time with (and without) me to understand me. she is also wrong, of course i understand what her intention was, but obviously a blank birthday card does not make me feel loved . its hard for me to imagine that she does not know this. maybe it is foolish to think that i know her like Code. she is not code.
Lol. i write this and fear i am getting far too Dear diary,. It is so freaking easy to just press post and share vulnerable thoughts on the internet because i forget that real people can read it and then also talk to me in real life. to be fair this IS something id usually write in journal but im at the end of my current one and i dont want to start my new one with this kind of energy, you know XD so anyway. i’ll write optimistic stuff soon dont worry! This only plagues me at a minor degree however i wanted to articulate it a little bit to stop thinking about it. like when you have a song stuck in your head and you listen to the outro to get it out or whatever.
