i've said this before but i don't and have never really considered myself a very insecure or anxious person. Which is weird because there has always been a third, secret, unexplainable thing that has weighed on my soul so heavily since i was a child.
i have spent a long time realising that that thing is shame.
we talk so much about insecurity and not enough about Shame. Call it a bias, but i think that shame is a far stronger weapon than insecurity. So many cans of worms could be opened here and i'm wondering if i have the will right now to use them all to catch the Fish, you know. I don't want this to be a self-pitying sob story and i hope it isn't taken as such, but for me (thus far in my life), shame is a trump card of all my emotions.
above everything there is shame. beneath everything there is shame. built on a generation built on it built on it.
Every facet of my identity that plagues me can be more or less attributed to shame;
All the things I don't like about myself are a result of shame;
i am ashamed of myself. (o_O)
It feels like unlearning internalised shame is like, fucking impossible. It's hard to not just wallow in self pity and call it a day, a week,, a year,,,
and then it's been a few! and you look around you and youre like, what fucking happened? (nothing did, that's the problem.)
My shame is quietly souring my beliefs, it's rotting my teeth, and watering my joints, pinching my lobe. the way Your shame feels about you feels about you feels about You. it's so easy to do nothing but Everything is all there is.
doesn't sound like a real word anymore.
 |
| 3/05/24 mate lock in |
No comments:
Post a Comment