Lola.

 

Drinking green tea and the caffeine is making me feel weird. I've been thinking about my relationship with faith and with independence. i kind of wish i believed in god so i could have someone to hate and blame that wasn't myself. i find it very difficult to connect with my previous selves; it's hard to remember what it was like and therefore hard to feel grateful for now. But i do Know that the way I live and function now was but a dream for me even three years ago. it is so painful to align with atheism after living with such conviction in a god for so long-- a god who brought me nothing but false hope and hurt. i understand the irony of all this. the present and the future (whatever may happen!) does not change his legitimacy. What a privilege the pain of atheism is! I may feel one thousand times more hopeless and lonely now but what a life I live to not have a psychological need for a god. you create the god you need in your life, and i need none. 

When i was little i wanted to be a teenager so bad. i became a teenager and i was planning on moving out as soon as i could. I didn't. i was so excited to be older and have more control over my own life and now i do. I wont be able to move out for a much longer time than i had told myself i would. Lol. I have been trying (with success) to be more grateful for the independence i have. I am trying to transport my mind and my message to a younger self. not sure if my message has been received.

I am thinking i will go back to uni next semester and finish my business course. i need to reframe how i feel about my course and how i project and express said feelings when talking about it. I need to tell my manager that i'm going back to school soon but I feel so bad... they need me real bad, and even suggested that i apply for full time in the near future. I think i will miss working there even though i have many a gripe with it. 

I didn't proof read any of this so it might all be stupid and whatever. it OK.