all words are made up.

    i've said this before but i don't and have never really considered myself a very insecure or anxious person. Which is weird because there has always been a third, secret, unexplainable thing that has weighed on my soul so heavily since i was a child. 

i have spent a long time realising that that thing is shame.

      we talk so much about insecurity and not enough about Shame. Call it a bias, but i think that shame is a far stronger weapon than insecurity. So many cans of worms could be opened here and i'm wondering if i have the will right now to use them all to catch the Fish, you know. I don't want this to be a self-pitying sob story and i hope it isn't taken as such, but for me (thus far in my life), shame is a trump card of all my emotions. 

above everything there is shame. beneath everything there is shame. built on a generation built on it built on it.

    Every facet of my identity that plagues me can be more or less attributed to shame;

    All the things I don't like about myself are a result of shame;

    i am ashamed of myself.     (o_O)

It feels like unlearning internalised shame is like, fucking impossible. It's hard to not just wallow in self pity and call it a day, a week,, a year,,,

    and then it's been a few! and you look around you and youre like, what fucking happened? (nothing did, that's the problem.)

    My shame is quietly souring my beliefs, it's rotting my teeth, and watering my joints, pinching my lobe. the way Your shame feels about you feels about you feels about You. it's so easy to do nothing but Everything is all there is.

 

doesn't sound like a real word anymore.

3/05/24 mate lock in

 

光阴似箭，日月如梭

Message Alex G. one take Jake XD.

It's my 20th birthday today.

i don't know. I came on here to perhaps talk about something meaningful and heartfelt about growing up but to be Honest i don't really enjoy (my) birthdays at all. Two days ago my grandma told me the Chinese idiom, "光阴似箭，日月如梭", meaning "time passes like an arrow, the sun and moon move back and forth like a weaving shuttle." She often talks about or recounts times when we were babies. it makes me sad to think about the fact that she doesn't Know me and i don't know her. We know each other but we don't. Even past a bit of a language barrier, she will never understand me and i will never understand her. anyway. This idiom scares me because i am very afraid of it going too quickly. Which i think has a beautiful irony to it for me because there was a time where I was absolutely not concerned with the rapidity of my life, rather the presence of it all together. LOL. Well now I'm 20 today and it's getting a little bit of a serious number and every year i go "i had not planned for this! What now!" and then i just keep going despite having no answers to anything and i keep going despite still not having formed feasible dreams or aspirations. I say it's whatever man but it's kind of Ever man.

I recently found and read a letter to my future self from when i was 15 that we were required to write in high-school. I had so many questions for me... most of which i am still asking. I know it's cliche but I feel kind of sad for Her because i have always expected myself to have figured things out and i look back and have to tell her that I haven't quite yet and i'm sorry that it is going to take more time. I think i'm going to wait until further into the year to write my yearly letter to my 2035 self because i want to leave time for better character development. you Understand. Ten more years until I can open them all the day after my 30th birthday. Not sure why 13 year old me chose 30. felt like a significant number at the time i guess.

I am not a singer nor a guitarist but felt Message to be very important for me in my teenage-hood and relevant to my feelings about my birthday. So i hope it's okay to break out the novice song or two every now and then at least for the sake of bitter-sweetness.

Lola.

 

Drinking green tea and the caffeine is making me feel weird. I've been thinking about my relationship with faith and with independence. i kind of wish i believed in god so i could have someone to hate and blame that wasn't myself. i find it very difficult to connect with my previous selves; it's hard to remember what it was like and therefore hard to feel grateful for now. But i do Know that the way I live and function now was but a dream for me even three years ago. it is so painful to align with atheism after living with such conviction in a god for so long-- a god who brought me nothing but false hope and hurt. i understand the irony of all this. the present and the future (whatever may happen!) does not change his legitimacy. What a privilege the pain of atheism is! I may feel one thousand times more hopeless and lonely now but what a life I live to not have a psychological need for a god. you create the god you need in your life, and i need none. 

When i was little i wanted to be a teenager so bad. i became a teenager and i was planning on moving out as soon as i could. I didn't. i was so excited to be older and have more control over my own life and now i do. I wont be able to move out for a much longer time than i had told myself i would. Lol. I have been trying (with success) to be more grateful for the independence i have. I am trying to transport my mind and my message to a younger self. not sure if my message has been received.

I am thinking i will go back to uni next semester and finish my business course. i need to reframe how i feel about my course and how i project and express said feelings when talking about it. I need to tell my manager that i'm going back to school soon but I feel so bad... they need me real bad, and even suggested that i apply for full time in the near future. I think i will miss working there even though i have many a gripe with it. 

I didn't proof read any of this so it might all be stupid and whatever. it OK.

atsomepointijustwasntenough

 

 

12/04/25. acoustic house show featuring could be stars, swapmeet, es muss sein, and doris. probably in my top three shows i've been to. could be stars was great as always. i had never really listened to swapmeet before, and despite this being their first time playing an acoustic set, they were incredible. i loved es muss sein's set too, diamond's violin bow with the electric is so powerful and emotional. it was a real joy to experience some of doris' more mellow songs live. i doubt i'll really get the chance to hear it like this again. here's a clip of the outro atsomepointijustwasntenough by doris.

first sockmonkey

 

 Made my first sockmonkey last week. his name is Practice. he has very long legs.

i hope to improve both my sewing machine skills and stuffing skills (he is very lumpy, i think i need to stuff them with more fluff). 

I love Practice and i'm excited to add more sockMonkeys to the community.

i'm not sure what i will make next but I already feel more confident with the machine and definitely got more comfortable with it throughout the sockmonkey making process. Which is very promising!
 

Could be stars cover of icehead

could be stars cover of icehead 

21.02.25

dark green jeep cherokee xj

a Playlist from last week.

    can't remember what day this was or where i was going but i do remember that it was a lit day.

    honestly haven't done any hardcore listening to pj harvey but i like her sound a lot. my favourite off white chalk is The mountain.

    bought this jazz tiger cd last month at their show supporting twine. i had never listened to them before, but amber invited me since the band care recommended her go. it was a fantastic gig but we were sooo sleepy and very ready to go home.

    nathaniel rateliff and the night sweats. found this album at the op shop about a year ago. i listened to a lot of nathaniel rateliff growing up. when my dad used to cook a lot, he'd play a youtube playlist of his favourite nathaniel rateliff (none of which were the original/official audios) on full samsung blast. S.O.B, wasting time, and i need never get old were three from this album that were on this playlist.

    my dad had this dark green jeep cherokee xj with the cd compartment that sat underneath the backseats, which meant it was kind of a hassle to change the cds. so i basically listened to the same five albums every day for six months at a time before my dad would finally switch them out for five others, and after we'd listened to those for another six months, he'd switch them back to the original five albums. nathaniel rateliff's album "falling faster than you can run" was one of the albums on high rotation. many years ago, an old man fainted behind the wheel in a parking lot and crashed into our beautiful parked jeep so badly it was unsalvageable and had to be taken to the dump. the man was unharmed, thank god. but man i loved that car and i still miss it.

  

  here's a picture of the colour and model of our jeep that i found on google.